When you’re being kept awake by a bed partner’s snoring, it can be hard to think of anything but how annoying it is or how great it would be to have separate beds in separate bedrooms so at least you could get a good night’s sleep.
You’re probably not worrying that the snoring – even loud, aggravated snoring – signals any health trouble. And truly, a snore is sometimes just a snore, the sound of relaxed tissues vibrating as air passes through. Sometimes, though, it can be a sign of obstructive sleep apnea (OSA).
What defines apnea isn’t just a loud snore but the total stoppage of breath for 10 seconds or more at a time – followed by choking and gasping as the body fights to resume breathing. These episodes can happen dozens, even hundreds of times a night.
You can hear the difference for yourself in this clip that compares “normal” and OSA snoring. Pay close attention around the 1-minute mark. Start counting when the snoring stops and see how far you go until you hear the individual breathing again.
With sleep apnea, a person’s airway “collapses” repeatedly through the night. This is often due to things like excess or poorly toned tissue around the airway or the jaw falling backward, closing off the airway (to name the most common causes; there are others). Once breathing stops, oxygen levels drop. The brain hits the panic button to rouse them so the individual starts breathing again.
Soon enough, the snore returns – until the next collapse. And the next. And the next. And this has very real consequences for that person’s health.
For one, it significantly raises the risk of cardiovascular events such as heart attack and stroke. Each time your partner stops breathing, their stress responses kicks in, their blood pressure spikes, and their heart winds up working overtime all night long. The risk of type 2 diabetes goes up. And metabolic syndrome. And atrial fibrillation. And heart failure.
The chronic inflammation and stress on the cardiovascular system are relentless.
In the mouth, sleep apnea is linked with higher rates of gum disease and tooth decay. Part of this is due to dry mouth, as mouth breathing is common with OSA. Part is also due to the inflammatory cascade going on. Teeth grinding often accompanies sleep apnea, too, as the jaw clenches in response to airway collapse or struggles to keep the airway open.
Then there are the cognitive harms. Memory problems, difficulty concentrating, mood disorders including depression and anxiety – these aren’t just side effects of being tired. They’re what happens when your brain is chronically oxygen-deprived. The risk of dementia goes up, too.
And yes, sudden death is a real risk. Not common, but real. Research has shown that those with apnea are twice as likely to experience sudden death than those without it.
So no, this isn’t just about getting your partner to be a quieter, calmer sleeper so you can sleep better, too. It’s about your partner’s health and well-being – and your being in a unique position to notice what they may not.
What to Watch For
Often, a person with OSA doesn’t even know it until someone suggests it – a dentist who sees telltale signs of sleep disordered breathing in the mouth, for instance; or a sleep partner. They’re asleep. You’re awake, listening to them struggle to breathe.
Here are some signs that should motivate you to consult an apnea specialist for help:
- The Gasp & Choke
This is the big one. If your partner stops breathing, then suddenly gasps, chokes, or snorts awake, that’s a textbook apnea event. It might happen once. It might happen every few minutes. - Long Pauses Between Breaths
If you notice that your partner stops breathing for 10 seconds or more, that’s a problem. Time it. Count. You might be shocked how long they sometimes go without air. - Restless, Thrashing Sleep
Someone with untreated sleep apnea often moves constantly – shifting positions, kicking, tossing and turning. Their body is fighting to breathe, trying to find a position that helps keep the airway open. - Teeth Clenching or Grinding
You might hear your partner repeatedly biting during the night or notice them constantly shifting their jaw or holding it stiffly in one place. They might wake with jaw pain or tight facial muscles. Any of these can be in response to a collapsing airway. - Constant Bathroom Trips
Apneic events trigger a hormone response that makes a person need to urinate. If your partner is up three, four, five times a night, it might not be their bladder. It could be their breathing. - Extreme Daytime Sleepiness
This is one sign your partner is very likely aware of: daylong exhaustion despite “sleeping” a full 7 or 8 hours each night. They doze off easily, as they’re just not getting the kind of restorative sleep they need.
What to Do About It
Start tracking what you notice. How often does your partner stop breathing? For how long? Do they gasp or choke? Are they restless? Write it down or record their sleep with your phone if you need evidence. Your observations are valuable diagnostic information.
Then have the conversation. We know this can be tricky. Nobody wants to hear “you sleep loud” or, worse, “your sleep is scary.” Many may deny or downplay it. Try framing your words as care, not criticism. You can say, for instance, “I’ve noticed that you stop breathing at night, and it worries me. I think we should see a doctor about it.”
The good news is that if a sleep test shows that your partner does have OSA, sleeping masked and tethered to a CPAP machine is no longer the only option. There are alternatives out there – including the kind of oral appliance and complementary therapies we do here in our Laguna Hills clinic.
When sleep apnea is successfully treated, your partner’s brain will thank you. So will their heart. And you might actually get some sleep again, too – once you’re no longer lying there, counting the seconds between their breaths.